The Ten People in All of Your Gen-Ed Classes (Heavily Stereotyped)
By Joshua Fairbanks
1. The Early Education Major: Happy, happy, happy. These Utah State gems can be spotted from a mile away in bright pastel colors (for the dudes out there, think Easter). Their favorite movie is either Frozen or Tangled, and they can contemplate this decision for hours. Amy Adams is their spirit animal and at one time or another, they have all tried singing to birds in an attempt to make them do chores. You will find Early Education Majors at the dog park on weekends with a rent-a-puppy.
Their favorite drink is Jamba Juice.
2. The LDS Business Major: Try as you may to teach them how to dress like a normal college student, all LDS Business Majors fall into two categories: A) The guy who wears a tie to class every single day. They have the next 45 years to wear ties with baggy dress shirts six days a week, but they somehow feel the need to “dress for the job they want.” B) In an effort to attract mates, these fine gentlemen wear t-shirts that make it clearly visible they are worthy temple goers with garments popping out like an inviting stripper showing her g-string.
The LDS Business Major’s favorite drink is Cherry Coke.
3. The California Major: Everything they say somehow comes back to the fact that they are from California and they will never let you forget it. You will see yourself in their eyes – or rather, you will see yourself in their mirror-reflective sunglasses. When they’re not on campus, you will find them long boarding in a church parking lot with bears on all of their clothes (well, pictures of bears – any Fault in our Stars fans out there?).
The California Major’s favorite drink is at Starbucks, and it has at least 4 syllables.
4. The Random 47-year-old: Every class has at least one of them. They sit in the front row, have great posture, very friendly — all good things, all good things. But their questions! They average a dozen of them per hour and 75% of the questions could be answered by a brief glance at the syllabus. Don’t get me wrong though, they’re needed – without that random 47 year old, class would go pretty much like the “anyone, anyone” scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
The Random 47-year-old’s favorite drink is Diet Coke.
5. The Political Science Major: Their favorite holiday is Thanksgiving because they love to argue – ironic isn’t it? Beware: speaking to these people is like walking through a minefield. If not handled appropriately, any misstep in conversation could lead them into a monologue or a debate, depending on if you want to just sit there and take it, or if you want to attempt a duel. Anything you say or do will be used against you for the rest of your life; they have the memory of a bottlenose dolphin.
The Political Science Major’s favorite drink is scotch. But don’t assume that, because that’s a large generalization and you might have to listen to a lecture with a big, fat “since the dawn of civilization” attached to the front of it.
6. The Music Major: There are two very distinctive types of music majors: the cool, and the nerd. The cool music majors look similar to what a pop star looks like, but like, 80% done loading – they’re not there yet. Their goal is to play in a band starting in Portland or Seattle, and own the independent charts. They’re so good, you haven’t even heard of them. This crowd can be snooty sometimes with their choice in music and condescending glares when you put on pop music, but give it time and you too will begin to love The Smiths, Vampire Weekend, and Jeff Buckley. Now, the nerd music majors love anime. They wear some interesting accessories and say “the system” a lot. These are the Orwell readers, the Area 51 believers, and your Quiddich seekers. If you let them in, band nerds will be some of the most loyal friends you will ever have. This group knows being an outsider, and they will never fail to make you feel like you belong.
The Cool Music Major’s favorite drinks are coffee and bourbon. The Nerd Music Major’s favorite drink is Mountain Dew.
7. The English Major: English majors come in two forms: the introvert and the extrovert. Introverted English majors are great. They are typically very relaxed, mellow, and if it were up to them, they would be sitting in a nook by a window reading Hemingway all day long. The extroverted English majors, however, are an entirely different breed. As a roommate, they will scorn you for watching a popular Netflix series instead of reading literature or watching films. If you’re looking for a model character, think of Karen from How I Met Your Mother.
The English Major’s favorite drink is red wine.
8. The Engineering Major: Their drink of choice is water. Their favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla. They do their homework in the comfort of the Engineering building in hopes that a potential mate will come up to them. All throughout high school they were passed over and the athletes won in the relationship department. In college, they’re still getting rack-jacked by the athletes, but now they also have the frat guys to compete with. They get by telling themselves “that’s the guy she dates, I’m the one she marries.” To be fair, they’re probably right. Like normal.
9. The Here-for-Two-Years: As much as I hate bringing this group up, I feel obligated to the freshman guys to inform them that there is a significant number of girls at Utah State University who are only going to be here for two short years. Her high school sweetheart left for his mission, and now she is going to live vicariously through his weekly emails. The moment he lands at SLC International Airport she is going to run off into the sunset, hand in hand, marrying the love of her life (or so she thinks now). If you find yourself on a date with one, just know, it won’t go anywhere; she is only on that date with you so she can say that she “dated around” while her missionary was gone.
Unfortunately, blind optimism that two people don’t change in two years while being thousands of miles away, only having weekly letters, doesn’t really give enough information about a person to categorize them into a drink. But, from the girls I have met in this situation, pink lemonade is their go-to.
10. The Here-for-Eight-Years: This person has done their time at Utah Valley University, Salt Lake Community College, Southern Utah University, Weber State University, Snow College, Westminster College and now Utah State University. The only thing standing in their way of graduating in every possible major in the state of Utah is Calculus. These life track individuals are some of the most interesting people you will ever meet. Just to make sure this is not misunderstood, this is somebody who has transferred from college to college, major to major for the life experience of it, following themselves – not a person that partakes in a lot of recreational drug use and skates by on C’s and D’s never really trying. This person loves learning, is extremely passionate about life and just doesn’t want to let go of their childhood and start being an adult just yet.
The Here-for-Eight-Years’ favorite drink is craft beer.